[ASC-list] Fwd: Science jokes

Glenn Conroy glenn1231946 at gmail.com
Tue Dec 31 04:57:12 UTC 2013

Any Australian science jokes - physicists seem to figure highly but then
again they are the origin of all science - isn't that right?

Sorry sent too early in order of "jokes"
or maybe too late for some as to relative "funniness" of jokes
here are rest fyi
Happy New Year all
see you at ASC conference in Brisbane

Glenn Conroy
on lookout my next new science communication role in 2014
that's no joke


My favourite as original (though 22 has some good elements and it's not a
chemistry joke)

A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks: "Hey, you got any of that
inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase? Shopkeeper: "You
mean Roundup?" Scientist: "Yeah, that's it. I can never remember that dang

Made up by and first told by me.
*John A Pickett* <http://www.rothamsted.ac.uk/people/jpickett>*, scientific
leader of chemical ecology, Rothamsted Research*

5.  Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very
small garages? Because they were quantum mechanics.
*Lloyd Peck*<http://www.antarctica.ac.uk/about_bas/contact/staff/profile/5fa8139462b1d1e17073ea6c3f075abe>*,
professor, British Antarctic Survey*

*6.  Limericks*

A friend who's in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it's proof by induction.

*Helen Czerski* <http://www.theguardian.com/profile/helen-czerski>*,
Institute of Sound and Vibration Research, Southampton*

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-

*Martyn Poliakoff*<http://www.nottingham.ac.uk/chemistry/people/martyn.poliakoff>*,
research professor of chemistry, University of Nottingham*

*7.  *the first time I heard about Adenosine Triphosphate it was
abbreviated by the lecturer to ATP, which I heard as 80p. I had no clue
what she was talking about every time she mentioned 80p. And another thing,
how does Adenosine Triphosphate reduce to ATP? Where's the P?
*Peter Lovatt*<http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2011/jul/31/peter-lovatt-dance-problem-solving>*,
lecturer in psychology <http://www.theguardian.com/science/psychology> of
dance, University of Hertfordshire*

*8.  *with the general theme of "copying errors" or mutations in biology
The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make
copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid
duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks,
wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They
ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

*Mark Pagel*<http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2012/feb/19/my-bright-idea-mark-pagel>*,
professor of biological sciences, University of Reading*

*9.  *A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"

*Amoret Whitaker*<http://www.nhm.ac.uk/print-version/?p=/research-curation/about-science/staff-directory/life-sciences/a-whitaker/index.html>*,
entomologist, Natural History Museum*

*10.  *They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it
earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.
*Stuart Peirson*<http://www.eye.ox.ac.uk/team/principal-investigators/stuart-peirson>*,
senior research scientist, Nuffield Laboratory of Ophthalmology*

*11.  Of course a chicken - road joke*

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… eh? Hang

*David Colquhoun* <http://www.dcscience.net/>*, professor of pharmacology,
University College London*

*12.  More an observation than a joke*

A statistician is someone who tells you, when you've got your head in the
fridge and your feet in the oven, that you're – on average - very

*Sunetra Gupta* <http://www.zoo.ox.ac.uk/people/view/gupta_s.htm>*,
professor of theoretical epidemiology, Oxford*

*13.  *At a party for functions, ex is at the bar looking despondent. The
barman says: "Why don't you go and integrate?" To which ex replies: "It
would not make any difference."

*Jean-Paul Vincent*<http://www.nimr.mrc.ac.uk/research/jean-paul-vincent/biography>*,
head of developmental biology, National Institute for Medical Research*

*14.  *There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand
binary, and those who don't.

*Max Little* <http://www.maxlittle.net/home/index.php>*, mathematician,
Aston University*

*15.  *The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount
Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals, and so off they went
two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys,
the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard
something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods.
He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this
noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. "What on earth
are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!" "Well Noah," the
snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so
we have to use logs."

*Alan Turnbull* <http://www.npl.co.uk/people/alan-turnbull>*, National
Physical Laboratory*

*16.  *A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them
baptised. She kept the other as a control.

*David Spiegelhalter*<http://www.statslab.cam.ac.uk/Dept/People/Spiegelhalter/davids.html>*,
professor of statistics, University of Cambridge*

*17.  *A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first
world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating
everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to
urgently inform his HQ. "NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!" he says. "NaCl
over NaOH?" shouts his officer. "What do you mean?" "The base is under a
salt!" came the reply.

*Hugh Montgomery* <https://iris.ucl.ac.uk/iris/browse/profile?upi=HEMON01>*,
professor of intensive care medicine, University College London*

*18.  *A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he
sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst
shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and
woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex."
The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all
the dirty pictures.''

*Richard Wiseman* <http://richardwiseman.wordpress.com/>*, professor of
public understanding of psychology, University of Hertfordshire*

*19.  *Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only
think you are."

*Uta Frith*<http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/feb/24/uta-frith-autism-neuroscience-rational>*,
professor in cognitive neuroscience, University College London*

*20. *After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said,
"That was great for you, but how was it for me?"

*Charles Fernyhough* <http://www.theguardian.com/profile/charles-fernyhough>*,
professor of psychology at the University of Durham*

*21.  *An interviewer approaches a variety of scientists, and asks them:
"Is it true that all odd numbers are prime?" The mathematician rejects the
conjecture. "One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime,
but nine is not. The conjecture is false." The physicist is less certain.
"One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, but nine is
not. Then again 11 is and so is 13. Up to the limits of measurement error,
the conjecture appears to be true." The psychologist says: "One is prime,
three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is not. Eleven is and
so is 13. The result is statistically significant." The artist says: "One
is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is prime.
It's true, all odd numbers are prime!"
*Gary Marcus* <http://www.psych.nyu.edu/gary/>*, professor of psychology,
New York University*

*22.  *What do scientists say when they go to the bar? Climate change
scientists say: "Where's the ice?" Seismologists might ask for their drinks
to be "shaken and not stirred". Microbiologists request just a small one.
Neuroscientists ask for their drinks "to be spiked". Scientists studying
the defective gubernaculum say: "Put mine in a highball", and finally,
social scientists say: "I'd like something soft." When paying at the bar,
geneticists say: "I think I have some change in my jeans." And at the end
of the evening a shy benzene biochemist might say to his companion: "Please
give me a ring.".

*Russell Foster*<http://www.ndcn.ox.ac.uk/departments/NLO/team/principal-investigators/russell-foster>*,
professor of circadian neuroscience, University of Oxford*

*2nd last*
*I should get this (but negative) as I watched the icon TV series in the

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!

*Tony Ryan*<http://www.sheffield.ac.uk/chemistry/staff/profiles/anthony_ryan>*,
professor of physical chemistry, University of Sheffield*

*I don't see humour this one - can a mathematician explain?  That is a good

What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.

Mathematician Mandelbrot coined the word fractal – a form of geometric
*Adam Rutherford* <http://www.theguardian.com/profile/adamrutherford>*,
science writer and broadcaster*
Courtesy Guardian
not ranked in order funniness (is that a word)?


1.     Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain.
Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then
he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out.
I know where we are."
"Where are we then?"
"Do you see that mountain over there?"
"Well… THAT'S where we are."

*Jeff Forshaw* <http://www.theguardian.com/profile/jeff-forshaw>*,
professor of physics and astronomy, University of Manchester*

2.  An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: "You're round."
Electron: "Are you sure?"
Positron: "I'm positive."
*Joanna Haigh*<http://www.imperial.ac.uk/AP/faces/pages/read/Home.jsp?person=j.haigh&_adf.ctrl-state=iqfcrnn8w_3&_afrRedirect=515411993438083>*,
professor of atmospheric physics, Imperial College, London*

*3.  Scientists worked out how to predict winner horse race*
The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable
racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians
reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race,
at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time.
Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome
of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors
listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have
made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect
rolling sphere…
*Ewan Birney* <http://www.ebi.ac.uk/~birney/>*, associate director,
European Bioinformatics Institute*

*4.  *What is a physicist's favourite food? Fission chips.
*Callum Roberts*<http://www.york.ac.uk/environment/our-staff/callum-roberts/>*,
professor in marine conservation, University of York*

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